Spraybooth Logic
The Christmas Letter
posted 12-5-2006

After years of waiting for model companies to do the kit that I wanted them to do, last year around Christmas, I became frustrated and turned to a higher power.  In doing so, I thought my wishes would be met with understanding and kindness.  This was just not the case and frankly I’m shocked an a bit upset by the response that I got. 

Here’s both letters in their entirety, I’ll let you decide who’s being unreasonable.

Dear Santa,

How are you this year?  I hope that Mrs. Claus is being a bit nicer to you this year than she was when we spoke last year about this time. 

I can totally understand how stressful things are up there at this time of year.  Along with the cold weather, I’m guessing having that split operation between the North Pole and that Indian customer service center and the manufacturing facilities in China makes the “off-season” travel just awful.  Being that you also can’t stand curry (remember when I was 6 and I left you curried chicken and the glass of milk instead of cookies and you put it in my Christmas stocking?) it must also be really tough maintaining your dietary habits!

I also wanted to check up with you on Prancer’s condition.  It must have been rough for him last year when Rudolph beat the crud out of him after Maury Povich outed him and his secret love for Rudolf on his TV show.  Hopefully he will be ok for the big night this year.

Now on to the business at hand. 

Santa modelers from all over the world have tried for years to get a new 1/48th scale B-17.  We’ve asked Tamiya, Hasegawa and many other companies to grant this wish, but none of them can seem to get the job done. 

So Santa we are turning to you because we know that you and only you can and will fulfill our Christmas wish this year.

Thank you in advance!


Dear Dave,

Thanks for taking the time to write to me again this year.  I find it quite interesting that the only time I hear from you is around Christmas.  Don’t you think this old man needs letters in June or July so he has something to read on the beach?  Apparently you can’t even pick up the phone.  This really doesn’t look good for you!

The outsourcing has caused us some problems up here at the North Pole.  The elves were really ticked when we offered them the “opportunity” to move to China to oversee the operations there, take early retirements or get laid off.  I’m still buffing out some of the scratches in my sleigh where some disgruntled elves keyed it.

That little jerk Hermey the dentist upped his rates ten-fold so all of our dental premiums have risen significantly.  I should never have sent him to dental school!   Hermey’s brother Roger, the “doctor”, also moved up here when he heard the kind of cash his brother was making. Frankly, the healthcare costs with all these new retirees are just killing me. 

As far as Rudolf and Prancer, well they have worked out their differences and are now able to work together once again.  Rudolf went through 9 weeks of sensitivity training in France.   While his human resource issues have subsided, he now smokes three packs of cigarettes a day. On Tuesdays he wears a beret and will only speak French.  We hope that he will be able to catch his breath enough to make the trip this year and that Christmas doesn’t fall on Tuesday because I have no idea what the little fellow is saying.

Now as to your Christmas wish I have a few choice words for you.

1/48th P-47N, 1/48th B-25, 1/48th Devastator (would you like me to continue?). 

“Santa, Santa, please, please, please, I just have to have a 1/48th P-47N.  I will love it and build it and send you pictures of it when it’s done.” 

Blah, Blah, Blah (Hey! That’s almost as catchy as ho, ho, ho).

Do you remember those little quotes from years past?

Shall we review what happened to those kits?  P-47N – Box on upper left part of the shelf of doom.  The B-25 is a close neighbor to the P-47. It’s best friend in the world the Devastator is sitting down the shelf all in a four foot proximity.  Give me a friggin break!

Frankly Dave, Santa (and yes I am talking about myself in the third person these days. I’m a Saint after all.) is sick of you whining and complaining about the next great kit and how you “really, really, really“ need it.  When I return the following year only to find it sitting on your shelf un-built, do you have any idea how that makes me feel?  For Pete’s sake even the six year olds play with the toys I give them occasionally!

Besides if I did make the kit for you, the first thing that would happen is all the internet whiners would b*tch, moan and complain about the panel lines being wrong or that the wheels shouldn’t have a diamond pattern on them. 

Do you have any idea what I do to those internet people??  I used to put coal in their stockings but now the Environmental Protection Agency says that I can’t do that because of black lung disease.  I started putting Barry Manilow CDs in there but they seemed to like that.  So instead, I started putting Hip-Hop cds under the tree for them.  Have you ever seen a nerdy little modeler playing a Snoop Dogg or a Nelly CD?  It is friggin’ hilarious!

So as Wayne said to Garth in Wayne’s world.  “DENIED”!!


Santa Claus (aka St. Nick)

So it’s up to you to decide.  Who was right?  Now don’t get me wrong Santa has his points but frankly he doesn’t know that the B-17 that I asked for wouldn’t be that one kit that I would breakdown and build.

Merry Christmas and now shut up and build!